Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
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me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.