News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
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[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Its true…
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
they really do be looking like this
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila