The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
You Might Also Like
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.