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Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Ah yes. The three genders
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
can’t talk my ride’s here
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*