Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
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*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired: