I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
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Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.