My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
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This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.