If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
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CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”