You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
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Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
next question.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad