The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
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*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I hope this email finds you in a well
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?