I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
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Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator