Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
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I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…