You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
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My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
asking santa clause for nudes
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
dude it’s called proctologist
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]