*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
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her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Customer is always right
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood