Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
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my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.