If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
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Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Breaking news:
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses