Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
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Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
*watches the world burn*
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.