Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
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Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Yup….perfect score!
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor