Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
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Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.