And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
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Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵