Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
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Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.