Noted.
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[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-