[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
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Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
we’re gonna need another temp
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Life hack
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time