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Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM