My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
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Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Yup.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Every photo I’m tagged in
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three