So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
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*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
FINE, I WON’T.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too