Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Nomnomnomnom
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.