Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
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Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I鈥檓 a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I鈥檝e been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would鈥檝e been a really good drug dealer.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it鈥檚 just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor鈥檚 note* oh you mean the little cross?
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
This dudes dogs 馃榿battle cry
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk鈥檚 expiration?
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you鈥檒l never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren鈥檛 stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I don鈥檛 get marriage
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water