Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
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[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
plums roundup
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
“What movie?” 🤔
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”