Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
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absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
God, I love Scotland
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.