My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
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My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER