I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
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This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”