I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
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Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
when someone rings the doorbell
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
That’s amazing.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.