When I laugh on my period
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GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
The glockness monster
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.