GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
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1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.