You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
You Might Also Like
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Seems legit
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already