Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
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If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Mountain Goat : )
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?