I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
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Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there