This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
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My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.