dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
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[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will