It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with