Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
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Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME