Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
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I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?