Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
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It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?