what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
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My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
God has abandoned us.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I miss this era type of pranks😭
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.