Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
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F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Siri: Retweet me.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I like donuts.
Twitter:
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”