Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
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[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Room with a view.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐