Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
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[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
my name if I was in the mob
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I will never stop laughing at this
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?