last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
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If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.