13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
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Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.